The Newspaper Contest
by NabikiB
Summary: What if Doctor Who was a UN cover for a well known Invasion Fighting hero of an alien? One who was on the hunt for a new companion and in true, Doctor fashion, decided on a good idea...of the sort likely to backfire on him? (Re-Edited version of Unexpected, with a title that fits better.


**The Newspaper Contest**

* * *

It didn't start out like something wonderful: After all, it wasn't all _that_ different from any other interesting looking newspaper contest she'd ever entered in her life. The only real difference is that she _won_ this one...and when they sent over a rep and the rep got a good look at her living situation, they called the sponsor and the sponsor, they told her, was making ' _arrangements_ '.

The Rep also noted that the Grand Prize winner could barely walk, she limped heavily and her balance wasn't good so he did something about at least getting her a good walker, one of the ones with hand-brakes and a seat. As time went on, they realized she also had bad teeth, poor hearing _and_ poor general health...but the contest rules were firm. They couldn't go get a runner up and replace this near cripple with someone prettier. Besides, all in all, they thought it would be more interesting to see how the sponsor dealt with _his_ winner: The contest winner had, after all, had shown remarkable insights into how he ticked...and more importantly, why he did.

They did think that in her younger, healthier days she would have made a decent 'extra' or perhaps more, but they were stuck with her as she now and the actors would just have to deal with it.

No matter, they were good people, good professionals and making a good portion up as they went wasn't a problem...they hoped. At the very least, they could and would deal with the woman's medical issues as soon as they got her and her cats to U.K. soil. They did rather like her form of humor, dry and biting at times though it was.

* * *

 **Video Conference, two days after winner was confirmed and notified:**

" _Seven_ cats? It's a good thing we're doing this a year in advance. We'll need it to get them healthy and through quarantine."

"More than seven, sorry...lots more. Her oldest stole five babies from some unknown feral cat...those are barely old enough to wean so the local vet recommended formula. One of the older kittens, she's about six, perhaps seven months old, is currently at the vet getting surgery tomorrow, a broken hind leg needs to be pinned...she was already over there when we got here...and we took the rest in for their shots, worming, spays and neuters, those will be done tomorrow as well since Tuesday is his surgery day...the planning for those went well.

She said to send mama and her babies on ahead and that she wanted Tennant's favorite cat-loving pest assigned to looking after them...she has no idea what she started with that, by the way." One of the on-site representatives reported. "David says he's taking the lot. Loves cats, he does."

"We explained about the contest and the winner was asked if she had anyone _else_ she'd like to bring." The other started to explain.

"There was a cash prize too and she got it put in a bank, explained about a lady named Laura Nolan and the fact she and they were about to move to Ohio and share costs on getting a house, cheaper there, apparently. Only after the cash prize, even after taxes and tithe...she just paid the tithe to a random church, said it was important to pay it on new income, as a first fruits offering, they made an offer and bought two instead, right next to each other, too.

This is because our winner has a scad of cats, there's two more and a dog in the Nolan household and Mr. Nolan is _allergic_. It was easier for both households to have separate homes but have them close so Miss Jane could get a kennel license and that's what she did. So, _that's_ settled. Never gave out prize money that went _that_ fast or for something that was practical and very much needed... _did you see the trailer Miss Jane was in?_ The Nolan's house was what she called an 'early Christmas gift', no strings attached."

"Yes, we saw the pictures. The sponsor was appalled. He said, the woman is disabled, she can barely walk, bending and moving are _painful_. He's got other one here...pretending to be Paul, to look after her more directly. She needed something with a budget that allowed for a maid.

Needs some looking after, that one and while she's with us she'll have it, from the other one, but when she goes home she'll still need it...she's set it up so she'll have it." One of the women told the rest of the people online with her, flipping through some paperwork.

"You mean ' _if_ ' she goes home. The actual sponsor is already getting emotionally attached...and they've still yet to meet. David hasn't stopped giggling at him all day."

"However, with his co-sponsor there with her... _looking after her directly_..." The last four words were in a long suffering tone...as if the owner had a pounding headache.

"So, since the one due in surgery in the morning will be coming from a vet, will have her shots and be rid of her parasites, and will need Miss Jane's constant supervision, the quarantine people on both ends are going to allow her to skip a full quarantine, the rest are being sterilized and given general good health certificates for air travel."

"Oh, she's not going by air nor are they, she's going by _ship_. She hates heights, figures to stay away from the railing and just flat refused point blank. By that time we'd already done several news shows with her in the spotlight so we had to change it. We can do that because it's less than half what airfare would have been, even if it does take two weeks to get here, so she and all the pets will be taking a cruiseship. Paul offered to go with them, meet them in Orlando and go along for the ride since he _is_ clearly her favorite." One of the CEOs told her.

He even did something odd to grow his hair out, she'll be let to assume he had a perm and a dye job put in, go in costume...his TARDIS will already be on the cruise-ship and _locked_. No telling how many fans will be on that oceangoing hotel."

"In costume...in _character_? A little risky, isn't it? I won't ask if he's crazy, we already have that confirmed."

"Yes, to all of the above...we've known he was nuts from the start, as for the rest...yeah, risky...I _did_ see her answers to the odder questions. If he's not very careful, _she'll see right through him._ "

"IHow many of the 'What would you do if...?' questions had 'I'd tell on him...to _her_ , of course. He never wins arguments with _her_.'?"

"Most of them." He grinned. "And the ones that didn't involved pranking him by way of reply."

"Going the long way round too, one of the casting people mentioned, she said it's well before hurricane season so to get one that takes the southern route. She did ask that nobody tell Peter or anyone else we have in the episode that have been or are about to be a _Doctor_ , except Paul, _anything_ about her disabilities...she wants to wait until it's _important_... _and_ we're filming. Wants his expressions and reactions honestly captured."

She had a strange expression on her face for a moment as she considered the way that had been said to her and brushed it away. _Never happen._

"What about Jenna?

"Oh, yeah, _her_ we can tell...as long as she doesn't tell any Doctors."

"We've got Chris, David _and_ Matt lined up for that one. And possibly the other one and I suspect the co-sponsor will want in...that's five of them."

"Yeah. We do. And not a word to any of them. She says, FFN, NabikiB, read."

"We found _those_ already. She writes fan fic, she's fairly decent at coming up with plots and likes to rattle the Doctor's cage... _oh_. I get it, oh... _this_ could be fun. Rather explains the expression on Paul's face."

"Howso?"

"She also likes putting him well outside his known comfort zone. When we got back to her about it, we were honestly laughing at some of it, some of those were _hilarious_ , mean...but funny."

"All she said was between Laura and her family and myself, we'll have some fun with him. She wants the actors to feel real shock when they see what their character is going to have to deal with.

She _also_ wants Jenna's Clara to be able to finally help herself to _real_ laughter when that poleaxed expression crosses Peter's face...and I agree, it _will_."

 _"Logistics..."_

"Are shaping up into a fun time, but possibly a bit of a real nightmare, but still fun...not sure how she managed that, but she promised that if we give her a version that won't be in the episode, she'll work with him to put out something fun for everyone. The sponsor told us to just let her keep 'Paul' since we won't get a better chance and from her fic she adores that one."

"Doesn't really seem to have a lot of use for the sponsor's version, though."

"The win included a storyline from her as well as a small part, off to side but on the TARDIS. She said fine, but let her do it her way, we've got a bit boring she said and he needs to do more surprise problem solving than he's been doing."

"We gave her Paul, only he came out to us after the first day and swore to keep his trap _shut_ if we'd just cast him too. He likes her...something she has going on had him laughing his arse off."

"He told us he'd sworn not to tell _him_ , either. So we checked with her and she wanted him to sign in blood but settled for a pair of promises."

"Which..."

"Wants him to grow his hair out at least to the middle of his back and past his arse would suit her better. She calls something to his face but out of earshot of the rest of us that actually makes him blush _every_ time she says it."

"She wouldn't say what the other was. Told him earlier, in front of all of us, 'Fox, chicken, guard', pointed at him, us and smiled. Something about that had him just _staring_ at her."

"That's not what worries me." One of the casting people had an evil grin on her face. "Mr. and Mrs. Nolan have two _young_ children...a three year old boy and an eight month, nearly nine month old girl.

She's going to involve at least Mrs. Nolan and both kids. All Doctors are suckers for _babies_. Mrs. Nolan is a professionally trained opera singer, she can, I think, after looking over her resume, handle whatever bits we give her and she knows Miss Jane quite well. She told us to watch for 'sucker balls'."

"What the devil is a ' _sucker-ball_ '?"

"I had to ask around and it turned out our sportscaster had the answer, of all people. It's a baseball thing, illegal in professional games, by the way, involves a bit of Vaseline or oil on the pitcher's hand somewhere I _think_. Puts a weird spin on the ball and sends it flying in directions that the laws of physics _barely_ allow for, once hit by the bat, even though it would be square over the plate and looked like a perfect ball."

"Miss Jane is no actress, she is however I believe, fond of one-liners, usually on the fly. The thing is, she has short term memory disorder amid her other disabilities so her learning a script just isn't...likely. The flip side of that, is that if the TARDIS set looks real, or if they're away from it, she'll forget Peter is human and react honestly."

The usual writers' eyebrows shot to their hairline and the direction staff started to cuss.

"An outline is the best she can do and that's _iffy_. She could send the whole episode off into some new, extremely _odd_ direction."

"Yeah, I mentioned that to her and she grinned and told me, and I wrote it down...here's the quote, "This is entirely normal for the alien we're discussing. He'll deal with with it. What you have to understand is that I don't pay any mind at all to which actor is in the catbird seat, it's the character of the Doctor that I focus on, what I call each will depend on the private nickname I use for that version, David, for instance I tend to refer to as 'The Crested Emu'.

I wanted to really get to know the things that _stay_ , from one body to the next. That and TARDIS fundamentals...like what happens to humans if they board and then refuse to disembark? There is no time inside the timeship, this is fundamental...aging should stop immediately. Those are the things I mess with.

How each of them deal with it when I do will depend on each body's set of quirks, but we're talking Doctorese Fundamentals...you people are slipping, I think, it's been awhile since you simply messed with his head. I've got one shot at this and I've got plans for making a really nice tale out of it. Me, Laura and the other one are gonna have some _fun_."

"The Crested Emu? Well she has a _point_ , once he ran his hands through his hair a few times...never-mind that, other one? She knows? Anything else go wrong with his plans?"

"Only that no man who has ever played the Doctor is to read some of the key fic, except the one she showed her fic _to_...and to get Billie on board. She's going to be needed."

"What on Earth for?"

"That's what I asked her and Miss Jane simply said, 'Plothole fillage' and 'de-pissing off the fanbase' then she glared at me like it was _my_ fault."

The listeners eyes went from speaker to speaker, like watching a ping-pong game.

"And then added, 'Assorted 'Rose' required outtakes', the one she's working on and that she'd be needed for League. Not sure what she meant by that...told me to gather as many crawling aged babies and toddlers as I could and from there a few hundred children between five and twelve years old that love the Doctor...actor optional but not required. She wants a ton of the ones too young to understand the difference between a character and a real person...to inflict at least on David and possibly..."

"Possibly?"

"She just stopped there, let it hang and just _looked_ at me."

"She _couldn't_..."

"No, not yet. I think she's suspicious though."

The video conference continued for another hour or so before ending, but the leadership of the BBC and of Doctor Who were nervous, wondering just what the hell they'd gotten themselves... _and their actors_...into.

"Ah...what about that _other_ thing we're got going?"

"Well...he's not going to keep quiet or fail to act, if she interests him. And she does. Particularly since the other one hasn't stopped laughing since he was introduced."

"Yeah, I was afraid you'd say that."

"Well, once the other one decided he liked her enough to bump someone else to get on the set..."

"Yeah. That's _why_ I was afraid you'd say that."

"Neither Miss Jane nor the Nolans are to be found after hours. Pretty sure the other one has them all with him."

"Oh _great_. Does _he_ know he got pre-empted?"

"Not yet. Won't take him long though, never does."

"This one is really simple, David doesn't even _get_ a script, She wants to know just how well he knows both of the characters he's working with, his own _and_ Billie's Rose, so he has to wing it."

"Which...?"

"Crosshairs...nice little mini-epi taking place directly after France...when Rose is the most apt to do something like that to him.

She also wants Amy and Clara to get a shot at doing the same thing to their own Doctors and all three sequences aired...this is something she calls 'Fun with the Viewing Public', we're to follow up David's with Reconnections. None of the Doctor's actors gets a heads up or is given a script. They're to just told what to do to David's Doctor, in what order and then just 'sink into the character and just _deal_ with what comes'."

"Both are decent shorts, likely to be a lot of fun to film, too." Their director was sniggering. "She told us tweak both so they could be done by the Doctors we could actually get our hands on...and to make sure that David, Matt and Peter are left out of the loop. We're forbidden remove dialog or scenes, but we can _add_ to it as long as we stick with the general 'flavor' she put there."

"Has she told us which main fic she wants us to use for a full length episode?"

"Yeah...all available Doctors are on board, too. She's nowhere near it, wants us to just cast an actress in her age bracket for Myrna Cooper, it's a name she made up, liked the look of and uses from time to time. Myrna is pronounced with the M-y-r as 'Mer' as in mermaid and the n-a just as it looks. It's called _The Doctor Protection League_. The first chapter as written, the second without deletions but we can add to it as we like and from then on she expects a spin-off, beginning with a mini-series to be developed _from_ it, at least a week long, four hours each day, ten minute breaks at the top of the hour for the mini and then weekly from there on. First three hours are her bits and the rest we have to do. Angsty, sorrowful, upset Doctors are not to be run of the mill like they are in the main series. She's tired of unhappy Doctors."

"Wow...can we take it that far? As long as she likes is in the paperwork...do we need to talk her down?"

"Oh, yeah, it's _deep_ into unexplored folklore...in a direction that Doctor Who has never touched...this is _wild_. It's also something we should have thought of on our own. Chapter one open's on David and ends with a successful retrieval of Rose long after everyone she knew, died of old age.

It also presumes that Bad Wolf caused some fundamental changes to her DNA, allowing her to pace the Doctor through the years. A third point is that the metacrisis did marry her and therefore, she knows his name. It took a bit to translate it to script, but it really doesn't need much dialog and what it needs, it's already got. David ran though it a couple times and he loves it.

She did suggest we get Gorillaz to perform live, for that bar section of that episode of Doctor Who. It was a good idea so we did that, we already have a contract for it. They're giggling like mad over there over it.

The song she wants has been out for years and she wants it for title theme for the episode, fits neatly in the show, says something powerful to the Doctor from humans and sends him a message.

I think if we screw it up after we start out on the first chapter she'll kill us. I think that if we play this right, we can get a spin off that might just last for years."

"That's a good idea. What is it?"

"Myrna and the League express Doctor Love and then show him and more to the point, the TARDIS how to access the World Tree. A massive tree that has one entire universe on each of its' branches, the only thing each has in common is that they are all universes in which there is, has been or will be an 'Earth'.

All the parallels of Earth are represented somewhere on that tree. He is told how it works, it's explained to the timeship and he gets to go and fetch Rose using the Carrettea Valley, where the World Tree grows, as a gateway. The TARDIS uses some of the odder properties of the gateway which allow her to keep her abilities from universe to universe and the valley itself is immune from paradox.

Has to be, really, it has it's own function, after all and serves as a multilateral hub for travelers. The last guardian left is unfit for the post because she's human. The Doctor is asked to take on the task, he accepts...he's fit for it but there's some...conditions that come up that he forgot to ask about and she didn't mention...finds out when it's far too late. In other words, business as usual."

"It's a good plot, though. David loved it as I said, he said, would serve him right about the 'conditions' and 'well good for him' about the rest."

When are you aiming to air it?"

"It's excellent as a stand alone special, we've already started casting for the kids, up through no older than fourteen. Barrowman and crew on board, it's definitely worth it to them for what we're offering so the original Torchwood people, minus the crazy one, she said that glove was bit too 'Harry Potter' for her...admit it, it was...so things are moving right along, she wants it for a New Year's Eve airing."

"Okay, so...other than the story, it's under our control, easier for us that way. What's Mrs. Nolan working on?"

"Dunno, nobody is talking, but what scares _most_ of us are the huge grins constantly on Miss Jane...and the other person you were asking about has been on hand for tech support, Laura _is_ getting suspicious...Jane's well past it, not sure what _she's_ planning, though I've been made aware she's adjusted a few things. _The younger one_ has been laughing for _days_."

"Oh dear."

"No, you don't understand. _Both_ of them have been, the younger is genuinely amused, but the elder's giggles are starting to get just a bit _hysterical_."

 _"Oh shit."_

"Oh yeah, despite her health concerns and highly limited abilities, she's a good match for him. She's driving him nuts...gibbering is _always_ a good look on him. Any him."

"True. Very true...wonder how we forgot _that_?"

"Well, we won't forget it again."

"No, no we won't."

* * *

 **(-.-)**

* * *

"It's like trees at the edge of a woodland, isn't it? This _dance_ you're in the middle of. All you're missing is a tutu."

"Trees?" He looked askance at her, wondering what the hell she was on about. _"Tutu?"_

"These people are too close to the edge, too far into the sunlight and too close to the openness of meadows and too far from the best parts to see them well, _forests are only partly made of trees."_

" _Ah...and...?"_

"Sometimes though, when people are too close to the edge of the woods, they only see the trees...and fail to see the forest is so much more, because they're afraid to go further in and have a look around and get a good look at the _small_ things. And it's the _small_ things that show you what a forest is."

"Okay...your point?"

"As you poke about, look closer and harder, you see more of the little things that, when you see them, give you the best clues about where to look for the _next_ small thing." She shot him a look.

"What was the glare for?"

"Darlin', you're not as well hidden as you supposed. But that's fine...not everything I've got going on is on paper. No need to clue people in on surprises. Lose half the fun of the shock value that way. And you've a few lessons coming. Never understood why you always seem to need to keep taking the same classes, but hopefully, if I do this just right, it'll _stick_ this time."

He studied her. "Is that a challenge?"

"If you have to ask, no, not yet. When _I_ challenge you, you'll know it, no need to ask. There won't be any doubt. Not surprised you _did_ ask, though. When all is said and done, you're still male, which puts you at a _distinct_ disadvantage...one I am quite _shamelessly_ using. Seriously, just because I'm stove in, physically, doesn't mean I can't read you like the proverbial book. _Good Lord man, at this state of your life you should know better than that!_ "

"OI!"

"I _like_ forests, I always go further in and take a closer, harder look, I poke around and yes, I'm having quite a bit of fun at _your_ expense.

Why do you think I pick on David, did well finding that one didn't you? Don't bet against me, whatever else you are, still...you're just a man. And you know better than to look at a crippled body and assume that the mind attached to it is stupid." She called over her shoulder and left him staring after her wondering when or how she figured it out.

"Don't bet against it, honey...been having nice long chats with the other one, see? Well hidden ones. You'll be a while trying to find _them_. You've already agreed to help us fix you." Miss Jane waved her walker at him feebly and tottered off. "Honestly, Pinny, could you be _more_ obvious?"

 _"Penny?"_ Now he sounded insulted.

~ '0-0' ~

"She's _sure_. She's right of course, but she figured it out on her own and I have no idea how I gave myself away. _It's not even slowing her down_. I'm curious, she knows it and she's _still_ working on whatever it is and excluding me! ME!

David Tennant was laughing at him again, loudly and the Doctor just glared at him.

"To be honest, I'm getting a little nervous because Eight _has_ been included, is into whatever is going on to his eyebrows and _still_ refuses to say a word...he's too busy laughing at this me. She told me point blank 'I've' agreed to help them, meaning Jane and Laura, fix _this_ me."

"Well, if the winner had been a younger woman you might have had a chance, but she approaches it from a really odd angle...she knows how you tick. She knows your fictional version in a way very few have, I think she studied the things that stay...and then consulted you on it."

"Of course she did. Eight's right though, the TARDIS set as it is, _is never going to work_.

She'd only get hurt on it and I refuse to put her at risk. Use the _real_ one."

 _"Are you nuts?"_

"I'm pretty sure she's about to do something to force the issue anyway. No idea what...but _something_. She as much as said so but gave no details away. And she knows we're me so she knows the old girl is around here someplace, _twice_."

"Well, _you_ started it with that blasted newspaper contest."

"Yes, _I'm aware of that_. What was I supposed to do? Take out an ad in the personals? _'Time Lord seeks companions?'_ "

David Tennant grinned at the real thing sitting across from him, sulking. "Well, now you have them...lots of them: _Five_ humans."

"Yeah, a married couple with really _young_ kids the oldest being just three, a grandmother, _lots_ of pets...and I have the distinct feeling she's going to issue an ultimatum on camera."

"What could she possibly do _during_ filming?" David's wide grin was intended to reassure the Doctor, even though the man could think of a rather long list of things that could be arranged. He refused to mention any of them as he didn't want that old woman pissed at _him_.

"I don't know...but the ship's been laughing at me for days...she agrees with Eight, that whatever Jane and Laura have cooked up will bring it to a head."

"She knows Paul is _really_ Eight, doesn't she?"

"Yeah, she does. In fact, I think younger me has been dealing with her physical issues in the medbay already. I'm in _so_ much trouble since that means one of me has claimed her...and from some of the more serious things she's written, she really likes Eighth me best...I remember reading some of them pointed out that Eight has options that I, this me, doesn't have. Some of which that me can actually _do_ without it bothering anything...a minor edit with huge results. A few are really _obvious_ ways to get Rose back that I should have thought of and didn't."

"Yeah, makes me glad I'm just an actor who plays you...instead of _being_ you. Makes remembering what not to point out a lot easier if it's not in the script."

The Doctor stuck out his tongue by way of reply, and pouted at David.

"Better not let Barrowman see you with your tongue out _that_ far."

 **"EW!"**

* * *

~ 'o.o' ~

* * *

Eight looked at her and just shook his head. "You're driving elder me, as Laura so quaintly puts it, _batshit crazy_."

"Yeah, I suppose I am. But I figure, if this you is willing to do something about my joints, I'm hardly going to stop you. If elder you wants to _think_ there's something in the wind other than hours in the medbay and physical therapy...well, I told you that you has a brain disorder."

"Yeah, he's a bit..."

"Stupid, yeah. Seriously, the trees and forest speech? Why should anyone actually have to tell _you_ that?"

"Maybe it's wearing a suit two sizes too small?"

"Possibly, Laura, possibly."

"What, oxygen deprivation via voluntary super-squeeze?"

Eight started laughing again. "So, what are you going to do if it's me on set instead of David?"

"Simple, very simple...keep insisting he's David to his face, list all the reasons why he can't be himself...most of them indicating he should be smarter than he's showing...and point out the obvious solution...while letting Jenna babysit. Before that though, right before, he gets a couple days alone with the kids."

"That's cruel."

"Nah, you love babies and toddlers. That's a thing you keep. Whether or not you like older children changes with the personality, but little baby _anything_ turns you to mush and makes you _coo_."

"True, all of me does. I meant rendering me _that_ helpless."

"Not right off, though...that won't happen until you have to _change_ them." Laura told him, watching him pale. "Forgot that bit, didn't you?"

"And while he's juggling the kids, he's going to have to figure out how to move _me_...walker and all...from whatever is chasing you on the show without giving away the fact he does, in fact have a real TARDIS. David I'd be gentle with, but not Mr. Emu. Actually, I'm more inclined to wait until you're good and frazzled, then nail you _between_ sets."

"Off camera."

"Now, I didn't say _that_. Maybe off the ones that are actually doing the broadcast, but I've spoken to a couple of the camera and boom operators, and the guys on sound. The mics won't turn off."

"I told him it was a bad idea." He paused to work her left knee a bit, administered the next hypo-spray in the series, worked it a bit more and scanned it again. "Well, slow going _here_...we're getting there, though."

Laura eyed her..."What are you doing?"

"Nothing you won't enjoy...you and John have fun with this one and me and the kids will use the _other_ plaything."

"OI!" Eight protested.

 _"Kidding!"_

"Okay." He quirked his lips at her.

" _Mostly_. My Doctor Yummy is safe, though... _you're_ precious. Depends on the you under discussion."

"Meaning?" He asked, flushing again.

"Can you imagine what we'd put Sixth through? Or that _manipulative_ little shit you were _last_ go?"

He snorted laughter and picked up her other knee. "Perish the thought, would I survive it?"

"Yeah, this you _is_ safe, so you'd have to, wouldn't you? Pinny _isn't_." Laura added. "I'm learning too much about how to handle my empathy from this you and the shielding lessons alone...and Jane likes this you too much to do something mean."

"Oh Eleven's safe enough for now so since he was starting to get a bit too curious I gave him something to do to make sure that he's _busy_. I lied to him."

"About?" Laura wanted to know.

"Told that him, that this him _had all of our conversations well hidden from him_...nothing like chasing wild-geese through your own head, huh Doctor Yummy?" He flushed for the umpteenth time...wasn't sure how she did that to him...repeatedly.

"Don't bother tucking _anything_ away, though. What's the point of lying to your elderself _if you actually leave him something to find?_ Far more fun to watch him as he tries to locate _the absolutely non-existent_."

Eight and Laura stared at her, then glanced at each other and burst into laughter. "Now, _that's_ mean." The Eighth Doctor choked.

"Meh, it'll keep that you both distracted _and_ busy."

"Digging through the collective garbage of several lives to find something so well hidden it's _just it's not there_?" He grinned broadly.

"Had doubts when you wanted me to help you prank my elderself, but no longer. That was just..."

"Mean. _Funny_ , but mean." Laura nodded. It wasn't the first time.

"Well, that you _is_ a bit on the stupid side. Sure you've got issues, but issues don't stay in the past until and unless they're _dealt with_ in the present...and you've been putting off dealing with them. So, to find the 'hidden' you'll have to sort through those, deal with them and let them go. He is the elder and if something's aimed at that you in his 'now' since this you _is_ here, he _could_ just ask you. But _no_...of course he's not going to do something so incredibly _easy_.

Anyway, haul David's ass in here."

"What for?"

"I want a 'yes' or 'no' answer to a simple question and it should only take one good look at him by the TARDIS to answer it. Or get her to ask herself, that might work."

"Which?"

"Is he or not?" She looked at Laura..."Odds on David being Handy?"

"Oh. Yeah, that _would_ make sense."

"Oh, that...yes...elder thought that might come

up. He's not. He'd be so complicated I wouldn't be able to sort out the issue that brought me here to start with...and that _wasn't_ you folks.

You five and the animals are just a very welcome _side_ benefit. I like the ones you have a lot more than the bats I got from Seven...and the TARDIS likes them, the cats in particular, because they got _rid_ of the bats I got from Seven."

"The felines considered the bats something like a free running buffet." John told him.

"Your elderself is playing some sort of deep game, here. Doctor, I have a simple set of rules...if you don't like the rules of the game, _change the rules_...and if you really don't care for the game, _either change games or don't play_.

I'm changing the rules _and_ switching games on that you." She folded her hands under her chin, cocked her head, looked up at him through her lashes and then blatantly batted her eyes at him. "He doesn't know it yet, but he's got the babysitting duty for JJ and Ana for the next 48 linear hours, so that Laura and John can take in some of London's sights with you as normal tourists and _you_ the guiding historian.

His superior sense of smell should have _fun_ at changing time."

"YUCK!" The Eighth Doctor told all three of the laughing females as he could hear his giggling ship adding her glee to the humans'.

"While you three are at a pizzeria or something."

He grinned. "I like that idea a lot better."

"Thought you would."

* * *

 **~ 'O** **-** **O' ~**

* * *

"Diaper duty?" David HAD started laughing at the Time Lord. " _ **You?**_ That's a great big 'I trust you with the kids' sign, but I'm so glad she was specific _which one_ of us got the duty. You're right you know, she _knows_. Oh _yeah_ , she does. She acts like she thinks you're playing some kind of game and doesn't appreciate it, I think this is a combination of 'counter-play' and 'comment'."

The Doctor had JJ on one hip, Ana on the other and the TARDIS had just told him that David wasn't to help him at changing either of the currently stinky-butted kids _or_ at bathing times.

His presence had been requested at feeding times...his or Jenna's. Either or.

For reasons David didn't know and had decided not to ask about, the Doctor was trying to breathe through his mouth instead of engaging his bypass to avoid the stink. David had simply moved back out of range as he spoke and exited the giggling ship without warning.

"Oi!" He complained as the human actor departed with a decent amount of speed...then set the infant down in a crib while settling the toddler on a changing table to start the unwelcome process of getting the lad cleaned up...that was really hard to do when you were gagging, but at least _that_ kept the boy too busy giggling to squirm...

 **~ -** **.** **\- ~**

He was well aware that the women knew good and well he _was_ him, but they were behaving like they thought he was David...and he'd allowed the conversation to go on like that for too long to be able to claim himself to _be_ himself in a graceful way...so he did what he always did and began his usual posturing, posing and getting mad when they just laughed.

"Look, by the time the body progress got this far, he had a 'call the TARDIS' function on the real sonic...I don't see _you_ doing the _intelligent_ thing and just calling her and putting a stop to the discussion, cuz face it, if you could, _as badly as you're losing this_ , you would have by now, ergo, DAVID, nice try, no cigar." Miss Jane was wagging a finger at him. "No way that great, huge, Time Lord brain would fail to come up with a simple solution like that...which tells us either A. You're a human named David or B. You're the Down's Syndrome version of a Time Lord called The Doctor'..."

"Oi!" could be heard behind them from Eight. "Point!"

"Cuz nothin _'_ screams ' _Doctor_ ' like the TARDIS landing right in front of them." Laura added.

"And, yeah, the Doctor lies... _nobody claimed he was any good at it_ , though. Can see right through him if you know what to look for. Like looking for the small things that make a real forest work. _I told you that_."

He gave up, raised the sonic, called the TARDIS and huffed at them. "There! See?"

"See what? A highly intelligent lady babysitting a mentally deficient Time Lord...yes, of course I see her...poor lady, I'll never understand _how_ she put up with this you..." Laura grinned at him like she was a hungry bear. "And we two, Jane and I, _**know**_ about the two that came after, cuz you got reset and the current you is Thirteen and the one between Eight and the real Ten. You, _Mister I lost track of my regeneration count_ , are Life number Eleven. Say it with us, okay, here we go, _E-le-ven._ "

 **"OI!"**

"Take John and the kids and your pets and go with Eight, he's fairly early in that tenure and there was a good while between Grace and Charley, should be editable. I'll take _my_ pets...both the ones I brought with and the ones that Eight helped me accumulate when this him wasn't looking and start riding herd on this scamp, I think he and I need to have a really long talk anyway, he'll have the leisure, I certainly won't be doing any running, now, will I?"

"Oh certainly not." Eight agreed. "That me is going to be rather bored."

"Um, _wait_."

"Did that take a form of a question? For all the pretty young things you usually have around you, what you really need is someone like me." She shook her head. " _I've seen six year old, learning disabled human children_ with more common sense than you have this time. I'll let you finish what you started on my legs and general health and see if I can get you back in the habit of _thinking_.

You need me and if at any time you need a fake name, use Forrest Marsh, has the benefit of being just unusual enough to be a real name without being too outrageous."

He blew out his breath, "I guess I do, you've certainly driven me half mad. What about..."

"The specials, yeah, going to do them. There's something you need to understand about your fanbase. David could tell you what the reaction to the notion you're real would be in the Whovian community. Did you ask him?"

"Yeah, just...I didn't really think he was for real, you know... _serious_."

" _Oh for_...bend down here... _right now_ , so I can reach you."

David stared in disbelief, grabbed Eight's shoulder and said, "I can't believe he actually minded her...you're gonna regret that."

"Why...oh, _that_ looks painful...she's...what is she doing to his ear?"

"Right now? It's a combination leash and handle. Keeps you from running off unless you have a desire to shed it."

 _"Ow."_

"She'll scold, twist, scold, trade off with Laura, probably _still_ scolding. It's a 'motherhood' thing, used on teenagers... _usually_...until now, anyway."

"I haven't started really working on her fingers yet. Once she grabs something it's really _difficult and painful_ for her to straighten her hand again, enough to let go...it could be a while before she turns that me loose."

"Yow."

"Yes." Eight grinned. "Let me go remind myself where I have her in our rehab sessions...and _again_ remind myself of the many, many people who were warning him that silly newspaper contest was a bad idea. _Just to rub it in_. Care to join me?"

"Yes, I do believe I will."

"Well then..." They headed over there with broad smiles at the actual Doctor that David strongly resembled, who was bent nearly double because the woman couldn't get her knuckles to unlock and let go of that crab-pinch-like hold she had on his ear.

"Hold still, Me...I haven't started on her fingers other than pain relief. Still working on her knees. Have finished on her ankles, though."

"Hold still? Oh, right, she does that thing with her fingernails when you sonic the joint... _oooooh_ , yeah, _that's gonna hurt_. _"_

"It's just the pinky and it's right over the lobe. I'm sure someone will have something appropriate handy for the hole."

He started cussing in Gallifreyan, describing several bodily acts that caused Eight to tell him to hush...those weren't actually possible and that 'even Second hadn't been _that_ limber'.

"I've got something that'll do...too bad he's dressed, though." Came another voice. "That's a nice position he's got going on."

Something like panic crossed the elder's face and out of pity, John...Laura's John got between the Doctor's hind-end and the other John, Barrowman, that is.

He did set JJ up on the top of the Doctor's backside, though. "What?" He had caught Laura's expression. "Needed to put him down for a bit and I'm a helluva lot safer to have standing here than _that_ guy!"

"True. Your ass belongs to me, for one thing." She simply handed Eight a spare earring...she'd lost the other in the pair already so it was available.

"Language!" Both Doctor's snapped, one handing her Ana so he could get his sonic out and the other pointing with his thumb at JJ over his own shoulder.

Oddly, the old woman had nothing to say, leaving both of them to their fate... _she_ sure wouldn't've spoken to Laura in those tones. Not that brave, herself and from the look on the younger woman's husband's face...oh well, they'd brought it on themselves.

"She hits harder than Jackie..." Was all Tenth said, when one of the support people handed him an ice pack for his swelling jaw.

* * *

 **~ 'o** **.** **0`~**


End file.
